


Nothing More Than Recovery

by princessmera



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Meta, One Shot Collection, maybe jessica and justin aren't as toxic as we think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21741784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmera/pseuds/princessmera
Summary: If Jessica removed that one night from her life her whole world changed. What right did Bryce have to do that? To break her, and ruin her friendships, her relationships, her sanity. To take back her narrative, her control over her own life, she needed to reclaim the things he stole in those last months. One of those things was the boy she loved.
Relationships: Jessica Davis/Justin Foley
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	Nothing More Than Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: not my characters, just my ideas & meta around the show. i'm sorry its not as in chatacter as my previous fics.
> 
> this set up is uh, strange? idk... it started out as a meta piece exploring the toxicity (or actually lack of) in jessica & justin's relationship and then i really wanted to explore this idea of jess reclaiming her narrative in this world where justin isn't the villain (as the show so grossly wants us to believe) but where they're coming from a place of shared trauma and jess understands that. and its a one shot by one shot exploration (with narration) of how their relationship has developed from jess' pov.

**When Jessica Davis was sixteen she had a crush on Justin Foley for almost four months before he asked her out. And when he did, it took only a week before she realised that she had fallen harder and faster for him than she had for any other boy her whole life. He was kind to her, and he was fun. He was the first boy not to be intimidated by her, or her blunt and honest opinions. The first boy to treat her like a human being, not an object, or someone who could be discarded the moment they had opinions of their own.**

“I’ve only had, like, two serious boyfriends,” Jessica admitted, sitting on the couch in her living room with her knees drawn up to her chest, “and they both ended pretty badly. But I’ve never… you know.” Justin looked up from his phone, confused.

“But, Alex told us that you–“ She raised an eyebrow.

“Well, he lied,” she stated. “Alex broke up with me because I wouldn’t, and then he put my name on that fucking list as revenge and cheated on me with Hannah Baker.” Justin scoffed.

“Seriously?” She nodded, and he rolled his eyes. “Fucking Alex.” He threw his phone beside him, and sat up straighter on the couch. “Jess, we don’t have to do anything like that if you’re not ready.” Jessica smiled, she tilted her head. She looked down at the open maths book on the coffee table, the empty mugs of hot chocolate and the pens strewn randomly on the floor. Biting her lip, she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“I think that maybe I am ready,” she said, and she felt comfortable admitting it, “I want to, and with you.” When he smirked her eyes darted around the room. “But not right now obviously. My mom will be home soon. But, I want to.” She shuffled closer to him, her legs folding under her as she crawled. “So, my parents are going out tomorrow, and my brothers are going with them. They’ll be gone for a few hours. Did you maybe wanna come over, to…hang out?” She smiled at him, suggestively, but he knew what she was implying.

“I can come over,” he smirked, “to do some… chemistry, or something.” Nodding, she bit her lip. She leaned in to kiss him, blocking out the silence between them. When their lips almost touched the silence was broken by a car pulling into the driveway, sending panic through Jessica.

“Shit,” she whispered, pulling back. “My mom’s back early. You have to go.” They jumped off the couch and Justin picked up his phone. Jessica hurriedly pushed him in the direction of the stairway, following as he ran up. Their footsteps would have sounded suspicious to anyone who could hear them, and she hoped her mom couldn’t.

“Wait,” he whispered, “my maths book.” She shook her head, pushing him down the hallway to her bedroom as they reached the top of the stairs.

“I’ll give it to you tomorrow,” she promised. He opened the door to her bedroom, and quickly went inside. “Ever climbed out a window?” She inquired, walking over to the window sill. She opened it up and pointed outside as he smirked.

“First time for everything.” He shoved his phone into his pocket and stepped out onto the window sill. “I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow then.” They both smiled.

“Yeah, I’ll text you,” she told him. About to climb out the window, he turned back to kiss her goodbye. “Goodnight,” she whispered, blushing. He smirked at her, tilting his head suggestively.

“Goodnight, Jess.” Then he climbed out the window, and off the roof, landing on the lawn beside the house. She waved to him, and he waved back, smiling as he walked off and her mother called her name from the living room. Jessica still had butterflies in the pit of her stomach, and she knew they would be there until he returned tomorrow. And then they would be there every day after that. She would never get sick of that feeling.

**That summer included a long list of firsts for Jessica. Her first full summer in Evergreen, with a boy she liked, and friends to hang out with. Her first time in summer school. The first time she experienced love, romantic love specifically. The first time she had sex. The first time she threw a party. And the first time her body was violated against her will, which she made sure would be the only time. Ever.**

Navy Pier in the summer was like a sauna, sitting out in the middle of the river, even the water was warm. But it was better than the temperature on land. Anything was better than that, especially in the middle of the day when the sun had reached its peak in the sky and ice creams melted the moment one bite was taken. Sitting beside her boyfriend on the Pier, Jessica reached over to take a vodka cooler from the ice box. She leaned her head against his shoulder to get his attention for a moment, and he cut off his conversation with Bryce and Zach to look at her.

“So my parents are in DC this weekend for some airforce ceremony, and my brothers are gone too. You gonna come over?”

“Only if you want me to,” he said, smirking. She looked up at him, her head still resting against his shoulder.

“I do,” she insisted. Bryce leaned over from the other side of Justin to meet her eyes.

“Your folks are away this weekend?” He clarified. Jessica nodded, pulling away from her boyfriend and taking a sip from the frozen drink. “You should throw a party. It’s the last weekend before school starts back, and people are gonna wanna do something.” Jess looked over at her boyfriend, his expression was skeptical.

“Bryce, why don’t you just have the party?” But Jessica cut in before Bryce could answer.

“No, I wanna do it. I’ve never hosted a party.” She smirked. “But you guys have to help me. I have no idea what I’m doing.” They all nodded, Bryce was insistent on it.

“Of course, Jess.” He chuckled, looking behind him at Zach. “Don’t worry, though. As long as you’ve got weed your boyfriend will show up.” Zach laughed with him, and Jess cracked a smile, watching as Justin rolled his eyes.

“Fuck off, Bryce,” he said, “I’ll be there, weed or not.” Sheri leaned over from behind Jess, the other girls playing cards with her all stopped.

“Jessica, you’re throwing a party?” Jess turned to look at her, nodding.

“Saturday night. You there?” Sheri nodded, her smile widening.

“Hell yeah,” she looked over at Bryce and Zach. “Honorary cheerleader move, hosting your first party.” They cheered with her and Jess laughed.

“Yeah, c’mon Jess,” Bryce said, “you’re hot shit now. You’re one of us.” He leaned over Justin, reaching out to teasingly touch Jess’ bare thigh. He prodded her, laughing and Jess watched the discomfort in Justin’s expression somehow blend into his smile. He did it so well around Bryce. Hiding how he felt about things. She was never sure why he did it, just that she knew when he did. She felt the discomfort too. Justin looked over at her, seeing her reaction. She gave him a small smile, one she had mastered around Bryce that said ‘I want to leave’. Jess couldn’t stand the way Bryce was able to make her boyfriend do or say anything, even when he didn’t want to. It made her afraid for him, because she understood why he did it, and one day it was going to get him in trouble. With an obvious poker face, Justin began to stand up, lending her a hand.

“Jess and I are gonna get some ice cream,” he interrupted, “don’t wait up.”

**Jessica’s heart was forever broken after that because the month that followed were some of the happiest memories she had at Liberty High. She loved Justin, and he loved her. They only dated for three months but it felt like a lifetime. So when he broke her heart, it was easier for her to hate him for breaking such a delicate part of her than it was to hate him for lying. Love was painful sometimes. Love presented itself in tragic, and often fatal ways. And for Justin, someone who had never been loved, the way to go about it was often misleading.**

Pulling out his phone, Justin checked the screen then placed it face down on the table. Jess saw him hesitate, his expression completely changed.

“What? What is it?” She asked, running a hand through the curls in her hair to adjust them. Justin looked startled, glancing at her from the other end of the couch. She was stretched out with her legs resting on his lap, and he was nonchalantly stroking her thigh.

“Bryce is having a party. They’ve got a football game today. He wants us to come.” She gently poked his leg with her foot.

“Yeah. Let’s go.” He shrugged.

“I dunno. It’s gonna be the whole football team, and I’m not really in the mood.” She squinted at him, confused.

“Since when are you ever not in the mood for a party?” He shrugged, his hand purposely moving up her thigh as a distraction.

“I kinda thought it could be just us tonight.” Jess bit her lip and shuffled closer to him, his hand wrapped around her leg.

“What’s wrong? Why don’t you wanna go?” He almost looked alarmed by the question, but his expression calmed when he smiled.

“Nothing. You’re my girlfriend, and I want to spend time with you.” She smiled, the feeling of his hands on her thighs made her giggle.

“Well, I want to spend time with you too, but at this party. Come on, we haven’t been to a single party since mine. Please?” She pouted, widening her eyes to beg him. He sighed, leaning against the back of the couch.

“Jess…”

“If you don’t want to go, I’ll go by myself.” He shifted uncomfortably, avoiding her eyes for a moment. His hand moved from her thigh up to her waist, and she tilted her head.Eventually he gave in.

“Okay, we can go.” She giggled in celebration, getting up to sit with her legs either side of his waist and he hooked his arms around her.

“Good. You were being boring. I was concerned.” He smirked.

“Never.”

**The night in September when Jessica was raped, Bryce Walker made one decision that altered the course of Jessica and Justin’s lives forever. He had more power over them than anyone rightfully deserved. For that reason Bryce Walker would always control the narrative of that night. As long as Jessica lived, as long as her story was known, she would be judged, manipulated and haunted by it. And so would Justin. Bryce Walker controlled their lives, their stories and everything they were. He took one of the things that mattered most to them. Each other.**

The streetlight outside Clay’s house barely lit the pathway, but Jessica pulled her car up far enough away that no one would see her. Both Justin and Clay knew her car, and her plates. She didn’t want anybody to know she was here. She was too ashamed. Jessica wasn’t even sure why she was here, sitting in a car outside Clay Jensen’s house, spying into his living room. She was driving home when her mind had wandered to thoughts and memories of life before she was raped, and then her mind had found its way back to the one person she couldn’t forget. Justin. It was almost unconscious as she turned her car down Clay’s street and drove past, stopping when she saw Justin through the window. Yes. She knew it was creepy. But she needed answers, and she needed to see him. Just _see_ him, not talk to him or kiss him, or anything like that. She needed to know he was okay. Somehow she cared more about that than anything else right now.

And he was okay, or at least he looked okay. He looked better than when she had seen him last. She still regretted what she said. She didn’t wish he was dead. Jessica wished that he was very much alive, she wished he was safe, and healthy. But she wondered if that wish would ever come true for him.

The same boy sitting in that living room, watching tv and talking to Clay’s dad was the same one who had been homeless for five months, who had been physically abused by random, nameless men throughout his childhood, who had taken to much shit over the years. The same person who Jess had watched come to school every day and act like life was easy, when in reality it was unfathomable.

For so long Jessica had wanted him to be okay. She had wanted him to be safe. If he was safe in his own home, then he didn’t need Bryce, and what happened to Jessica never would have happened. So if Jessica blamed him for giving in to Bryce, it almost felt like she was blaming him for the years of abuse he had survived.

She could never get those thoughts out of her head. Bryce knew exactly what he was doing that night. He knew about Justin’s loyalty, his abuse, his trauma, and Bryce manipulated that to his own interests, and his own crimes. And Justin thought he was responsible for that, responsible for having an escape, a survival instinct. It didn’t make what he did right, but Jessica didn’t think it made him evil.

She watched him, and she wiped tears from her cheeks. Everything was a mess. She thought back to the nights when it was her sitting on the couch with him, watching Friends reruns, or Game of Thrones. She thought back to the time they baked a cake for her brothers birthday together, or when he tried make her dinner, and then failed tragically. All those things had brought her so much joy, and she had a million things she wanted to do with him. Things she wanted to try, to experience, to show him. She still did, but now she never could.

He was a good person, she knew that, and he deserved a good life. She needed to know he was safe, that he was healthy, and she trusted Clay to keep him that way.

But she couldn’t talk to him. Not yet. She wasn’t ready to face him. So she drove home, tears still clouding her vision. But she left with a weight lifted off her shoulders, a worry that had disappeared. He was better. He was safe. For now.

**When Bryce locked the door that night he set two fates in motion. Jessica and Justin both lost everything that night. Jessica loved him and Bryce had taken that away when he forced Justin to make the most difficult decision he could ever make. He broke Jessica, wholly and completely, and left Justin to deal with the consequences. A lonely sixteen year old boy left to fix the trauma and tragedy of a girl he loved, and so he was bound to make mistakes.**

“Jess…” She was sitting at the table, her chin resting in her palm as she looked up at him.

“Hey,” she sat up straighter. He could tell simply from the expression on her face that she wasn’t sure she wanted to be here. He sat opposite her, slowly and hesitantly, taking in her face. “You look… pretty awful,” she told him. He smiled, looking at the wall beside her.

“I _feel_ pretty awful,” he admitted. “Wha–why are you here?” She shrugged.

“I needed to see you.” She was frowning. “I’m sorry that you’re in here.” Her eyes scanned every inch of his face. “Justin, if I had known they were going to arrest you I never would have… I don’t know what I would have done. Honestly.” She looked at her hands. “I never wanted you arrested for what happened that night, or after it. You know that, right?” He nodded, hesitantly, and it was a relief for him to hear.

“Yeah, I know,” he hung his head. “I’m sorry, Jess.” She shook her head at him.

“Don’t apologise,” she told him. Jess looked around at the visitors room, the grimy walls, the uncomfortable seats. “You don’t deserve to be in here.” He scoffed.

“Apparently I do. Because I am a junkie, and I’m homeless.” Jess frowned.

“Clay said they’re working on trying to locate your mom, Justin. I’m so sorry.” He shrugged, nonchalant to the whole situation.

“It’s not your fault. Don’t apologise.” She leaned over the table so that he looked into her eyes.

“It’s not your fault, either. Please tell me you get that. What happened that night was Bryce’s doing, and there was nothing you could do to stop it.” She pressed her lips together. “I’ve finally come to terms with that. For so long I blamed you for what happened, and that was stupid of me. You being in here. You giving up so much to take down Bryce, it tells me that you didn’t agree with what happened that night. You didn’t _consent_ to it, just like I didn’t.” He nodded, staring at his hands.

“They’re giving me six months…” she nodded.

“Yeah, yeah I know.” She sighed. “It’s fucked up.” But he just shrugged.

“At least I have somewhere to sleep, and food to eat. It’s better than where I was before.” She huffed a laugh, shaking her head at him sadly.

“You don’t have to do that… you don’t have to act like everything is okay when it’s not. You don’t have to act like you’re okay to put me at ease.” Jess tilted her head. “I should be doing that for you.” He shrugged again.

“It’s okay.” They could barely look each other in the eye, and while there was so much tragedy to their past, all she wanted was to hold him and tell him everything would be okay. But there was no truth to that.

“Justin…promise me you’ll stay in Evergreen. You won’t run away again.” She wanted to reach out to touch him, but she couldn’t. They were separated both physically and emotionally.

“I can’t promise you that,” he said softly.

**Jessica going back to him after the pain he had caused her was not love triumphing over evil. If it were Justin would have been able to stop what Bryce did that night. But he couldn’t. That wasn’t his fault. After the tapes got out Liberty High became a nightmare for Justin and Jessica, their worst mistakes and their personal trauma were practical knowledge for every one of their classmates. Stories of them that didn’t deserve to be told by someone else, someone who didn’t know them. But Justin’s reputation took the worst fall, and everyone at that school had opinions on him based on two tapes that left out his side of the story. Jessica loved him, but she couldn’t fix the part of him that those tapes had broken. Instead she had to keep her love for him a secret.**

Jessica sat alone in the middle bathroom stall, she drew her knees up to her chest and buried her face between them. She let tears fall, silently. It was her first week back after a long and confusing summer and she couldn’t take the stares. She hadn't even done anything. It was what she could do. What she wanted to do. Her phone buzzed and she sat it under her chin, balancing with her arms around her knees. It was a text from Justin. A text that made her smile, nonetheless.

_The counsellor says i passed summer school and coach is letting me play football so i’ll get to graduate_

That was all it said, followed by an enthusiastic amount of celebratory emoji’s which he knew she hated. She unlocked her phone and began to type her response.

_Fuck yes! Told you Bolan would let you graduate_

She pressed send and waited for his immediate response.

_Yeah only cause i somehow still count as a jock_

She laughed under her breath, typing again. She realised that her complaints about Bolan had rubbed off on her boyfriend, and she was proud of that.

_No, because you worked really hard this summer._

He didn’t respond as quickly and she sent another one.

_Seriously you deserve it._

He had often told her over the summer how worried he was about his grades, about not being able to graduate with the rest of their class. So getting this message from him was a relief. He had worked so hard to pass summer school and she was proud to have seen it pay off. She really wanted to hug him right now. Wiping the tears off her cheeks, she heard the bathroom doors open. The footsteps of three girls echoed in the silent bathroom. They were talking in hushed voices.

“So, like, what’s up with Jessica?” One girl asked. Jess wasn’t sure who the girls were.

“Who?” Another asked, and Jess prayed they weren’t talking about her. Then again, there was only one Jessica at Liberty High.

“Jessica Davis, head of the student body. She’s so intimidating.” Another girl scoffed.

“Just cause she’s black and has opinions doesn't mean she’s intimidating, Tiffany. God. You said the same thing about Beyonce last week.” Jessica had to quietly stifle a laugh. She guessed that this must be the new girl. A junior who must have heard the stories about Jessica from some of the jocks.

“I didn’t mean it because she’s–“ The girl sighed, “I just mean, what’s her deal, you know? Why does she hate the jocks? Like what is the story?” Jess rolled her eyes from behind the locked door.

“You know Bryce Walker?” A third girl asked.

“Yeah,” Tiffany said. “Well, I’ve heard he used to go here. I’ve heard he’s not… nice.” The other girls both scoffed.

“He’s a rapist, Tiffany. He raped Jessica Davis, and another girl who went here, Hannah Baker.” Jess watched through the cracks of the door as they stared at themselves in the mirror.

“Oh my god!” The new girl gasped. “You had a serial rapist at this school? That’s terrifying.” Jess saw the left girl roll her eyes.

“He’s gone, you don’t have to worry about him anymore.” Then the other tilted her head.

“Yeah, but you should worry about some of those other jocks. Montgomery De La Cruz,Jamie Garrison, Zach Dempsey–“ The previous girl interrupted.

“Zach seems nice.”

“He’s okay. But, you have to be careful of Justin Foley.” The girl shook her head. “He’s _fucked_ up.” Tiffany, standing in the middle, looked shocked.

“But he seems nice, and he’s cute. I didn't even think he was one of those boys.” Jess scowled, he _wasn’t_ one of the jocks anymore. At least not the ones Jessica wanted under control.

“He’s not nice. Be very careful.” The girls either side of Tiffany looked at each other, considering whether or not to tell her why. “Look, we’re telling you this for your own safety because he screws over so many girls at this school. He dated and bullied Hannah Baker by ruining her reputation, and then she killed herself last year. He dated Jessica Davis, and helped Bryce Walker rape her. He got kicked out of Liberty and came back after a few months with a heroin addiction. He’s a fucking junkie. And he’s been to juvie for all of those things. So stay far away from him.” Jess’ mouth dropped. None of that was true. Is that really how twisted the story had gotten?

“Oh my god. What the hell?” The other girl scoffed.

“You have that all wrong.” And Jess almost breathed a sigh of relief that someone knew the truth. “He wasn’t the only person who contributed to Hannah Baker’s death, and you know that. He didn’t help Bryce rape Jessica Davis, that’s ridiculous. He let Bryce into the room to do it and got arrested for it anyway.” The girl shrugged.

“I don’t know how Jessica can even look at him. He’s worse than Bryce. It’s all his fault she got raped, and I mean, people say she’s still got a crush on him.”

“Really?” Jess watched as the girl nodded.

“Yeah. So either she’s a huge hypocrite or she’s just dumb. I don’t know.” Jessica rolled her eyes. It was unbelievable that girls still spoke about each other like this, passed judgement on things they could never understand. Jessica pulled her phone out and checked the messages.

_Can we talk?_

_I have training in ten_

_Jess?_

_Jeeeessssssssssss ????_

_I’ve got training now but i still wanna see you so text me back please_

She smiled reading the messages and typed her response.

_Babeeeeeee… Meet in the art supplies room after training?_

Maybe Jessica seemed like a hypocrite to the girls on the other side of the stall door, even now when her and Justin weren't public, but things were never black and white. No matter how far away Bryce Walker went, he always controlled the narrative of Jessica’s life. As long as these people knew her story, or at least knew what was on those tapes, Jessica would be judged by her every action. Like some kind of public figure. The tragedy was that being taken seriously as an activist, and as head of the student body meant she had to keep her true feelings hidden. She had to pretend she didn’t love Justin, as if she were ashamed of him. It was wrong. He said he was okay with it, but Jessica knew he would have been okay with anything she did. That didn’t make it right.

**When Jessica and Justin got back together they had to make an agreement that their relationship would be theirs. That no one else would know. Her final broken pieces had started to fit back together, and for that she was grateful. She wondered if maybe he was one of those pieces. Their unfinished relationship. She had never fallen out of love with him. They were forced apart by a chain reaction of events that Bryce had started.**

“I broke up with Alex,” she said. He was silent as she pulled her skirt back on. “It was like, last week actually. I just thought I should tell you.” He nodded, and she noted that he seemed strangely quiet sitting on the bed beside her.

“Good,” he said. “Cheating is a fucking shitty thing, Jess. You never told me you were dating him at Spring Fling.” She made a face.

“You were fucking there. You saw me. Don’t act all innocent.” He scoffed.

“Well, yeah. The decent thing to do was to come clean, or break up with him after, and you didn’t.” She glared at the wall behind him.

“You’re gonna give _me_ advice on dating? On doing the decent thing? Fuck you.” Jess scowled at him but Justin didn’t fight back, he just looked down at his hands.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. Jess huffed, and looked over at him. 

“Don’t be. You’re right.” She pressed her lips together. “I’m just pissed off.”

“Why?” He asked and she wasn’t readily forthcoming with any explanation. “Talk to me. You used to talk to me about fucking everything.” She gave him a small smile, remembering those days when life was all about grades, dating and friendship, now it was about rape, recovery and sex.

“You wouldn’t understand,” she told him nonchalantly.

“Try me,” he offered, “I have all day to try to understand.” To that she couldn’t decline. She sighed, falling to sit beside him on the bed.

“It’s just hard to find something that makes me feel good anymore. And I feel so guilty about Spring Fling… but I don’t regret it, and I think that’s bad. After that I put up with so much from Alex, and he was so good to me but that whole relationship made me feel awful. Because I was figuring my shit out, and I was doing it behind his back. Which was so shitty of me. But he was so sweet, and it was nice to convince myself that I was okay, that I was dating and having sex. Really, I’m not okay, yet. I still need to feel right again.” He looked at her, studying her expression.

“So, what are we doing? Does it make you feel…better?” She could tell this wasn’t a selfish question, he wanted her to know the answer of her actions. Jessica shrugged.

“It’s better and I’m better. But I’m still not all there.” She pressed her lips together. “It’s like the last step of my recovery, you know? But I think it’s also the biggest step.” He nodded.

“Sexual trauma, I get it.” He shrugged. “I think you just gotta be respectful of your own boundaries, but don’t be afraid to push them along when shit gets too constricting. It’s all good to be comfortable but, if you’re comfortable forever, you’re not recovering.” She smiled at him.

“Somehow that made sense.” He clicked his tongue at her and made a face.

“Yeah, sometimes I do that.” She shuffled around to face him.

“Will you help me? Like, figure my shit out, because I want to do it, and you’re the one I want to do it with.” He smirked at her, and nodded.

“Fuck, if that’s what you want.”

“It is,” she looked at her hands, “but I’d also like to keep it secret…” He nodded again, this time less enthusiastic.

“Yeah, no, Jess. I understand.” She smiled. Somehow this felt right to her.

“Okay, good.”

**Jessica built herself up stronger than ever before, and Justin was witness to it. The only part of Jessica’s recovery that he had missed was the first five months, the lowest moments of her life. She didn’t leave the house. She didn't speak to anyone. She slept on her parents floor. She was all alone, and he didn’t need to witness that because it already broke his heart. Everything she went through in those first few months were things he wanted to spare her from. When he lived on the streets for that time, the thoughts of her pain kept him up at night. He could imagine the pure tragedy and trauma she was going through, and he blamed himself for it.**

Sitting on the couch, Jessica logged onto her laptop. Her dad poked his head in from around the corner. His expression was blank, like always. His voice soft, like it always was now when he spoke to her.

“Jessica,” he stepped into view and she looked up, “there is some mail for you.” He walked over and she closed her laptop. She felt empty. Alone. Miserable.

“Who from?” She asked him. He shrugged, a frown present on his face.

“I don’t know. It’s anonymous.” She felt her stomach turn, panic rose within her. He handed her a small postcard and waited to see her face as she looked. It was yellow, and the world OAKLAND was written in big red capital letters. “Do you know anyone in the city?” She shook her head.

“No.” It was pretty. She could say that. But she wasn’t sure what it meant. Jessica turned it over and read the message.

 _Nancy, I’ll always love you, Sid._

Her heart stopped. She read it again.

_Nancy, I’ll always love you, Sid._

Then again. And again.

It couldn’t be. He couldn’t have. But it was from him. Even if it weren’t obvious from the message itself, she could have recognised his oddly neat handwriting from a mile away. He had written her notes before, and she had kept those too. They were filed away in the bottom of her desk, when she cleaned out her room of everything with him in it, or that reminded her of him, she couldn’t throw them away, she just buried them, like she buried the pain of her heartbreak.

“Jessica? Do you know who sent it?” She broke away from her thoughts, and put on a brave face. In reality, she had never taken it off.

“No, I don’t.” He watched her face, studying it for a sign of weakness.

“It’s from that boy, isn’t it?” He leaned down to her level, looking her in the eye. “Did he hurt you?” Jessica avoided his eyes, she didn't respond. She just stared at the postcard in her hands.

_I’ll always love you_

Her heart hurt. If he loved her, how could he do what he did? Maybe she understood. Life was better before she knew. She would sell her soul to feel normal again, to feel like her body was her own. Why did she have to work so hard every day simply to keep going,to keep living her life. Three months had slowly gone by. Three cold months where she missed out on so much because of what Bryce had done to her. Because of what Justin had let Bryce do to her.

“Did he do it, Jessica? Is he the one who hurt you?” She snapped out of her thoughts, and looked up.

“No,” she told him. “No, he didn’t do it.” She moved the postcard between her fingers, staring at its entirety. This was all she had left of him. All she knew of him for the last three months.

“Well, if he did _anything_ to you, Jessica. We will find him, and we will get him. You don’t have to worry about that. He won’t get away with anything.” Jess frowned.

“Dad, I don’t…know.” She shook her head. “He’s gone, and he didn’t get away with anything.” She sighed. Her dad reached down to take the postcard from her but she pulled away.

“No,” she said, “I’ll throw it away.” Actually, she was going to put it up in her room. She wanted to keep it. No one could know that deep down she did miss him. Deep down she thought of him a lot, sometimes she was angry, sometimes she was nostalgic, but she was always heartbroken. She wished she could send him a postcard back.

_Sid, I hate that I miss you, Nancy_

**When Jessica went back to Justin in the summer of their senior year, exactly a year after they had first begun dating, she questioned her decision. Why did she do it? How was he able to help her work through her sexual trauma? Somehow he did. He helped her heal.**

Jessica sat on the kitchen counter of the outhouse, she held herself up by the palms of her hands behind her. Tilting her head to the side, she kicked her leg out in front, using her foot to touch her boyfriend’s arm. He made a face, looking over at her and pushing her foot away. She laughed.

“Seriously,” she said, “can we talk?” He nodded, coming back to stand at the edge of the counter.

“Yeah, what’s up?” She moved closer to him and wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Are you, like, okay with this? With what’s going on between us?” He nodded, the look in his eyes was innocent and sweet. “Because, I know I started this, and like I don’t want you to feel like you have to be with me, if it’s an inconvenience for you.” His expression grew curious.

“I’m all good… What prompted this? Did I do something?” She shook her head, putting her hands on his face and leaning in close.

“You didn’t,” she assured him. “I’m just really enjoying myself,” she smirked, “I’m finally feeling confident again, in my body, and like sexually… And I don’t want to feel like a burden on you.” He almost laughed.

“You would never.” She ran her thumb gently along his cheek. “Jess, what’s this really about?” She bit her lip, heaving her shoulders.

“I’m just… I don’t want you to be doing this out of, like, guilt. You don’t have to make it up to me or anything. You already did that. Okay?” He nodded that he understood. “I just… I want to start new, and I don’t want to be a victim anymore.” He blinked.

“You were never a victim.” She pressed her lips together.

“Yeah I was. For a long time I thought that was all I’d ever be. But I got better, and now I’m gonna be even better than I ever was.” He frowned, his head tilted from one side to the other. He was considering his words.

“Listen. You’re not stronger for what happened to you. You’re not braver, you’re not stronger, or what fucking ever that could ever justify what happened to you. You were always strong, and you always had it in you. Either way, it would have come out somehow.” He ran his hand along her thigh. “I’m just sorry that was the way you had to find that strength. Nobody deserves that.” She stared at him for a moment, looking at his serious expression. His face was solemn, but still perfect. Then she broke into a smile.

“That was deep.” He shrugged, as if it were nothing. It was far from nothing. “I needed that,” she said. “That was really, really nice. Thank you.” He looked into her eyes.

“Well, it’s true. You’re the strongest person I know. Even before that night, and everything after it.” She put her palms on his cheeks, and bent her thumbs to touch the corners of his lips, waiting until it made him laugh and pull away.

“I like talking about this stuff with you,” she said and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Why didn’t we do this sooner?” He looked down.

“You know why,” he whispered, and she did know why. It didn’t stop her feeling regretful. Maybe if she had have talked to him sooner everything would have been different.

“I kinda wish you had been here. I wish it had been different.” He didn’t look at her, but just like her, he was fighting back tears.

“Me too,” his voice was weak, and painful. She leaned down and put her forehead against his.

“Fuck Bryce Walker,” she whispered to him.

“Fuck Bryce,” he agreed bitterly.

**Jessica’s body had never felt like her own since the truth came out. She wasn’t going to make bullshit excuses or to glamourise her rape. Being raped didn’t make her strong. Her recovery was _not_ worth it. Jessica deserved equal chance at experiences Bryce deprived her from. She was never better off for what happened that night, and everything that happened after, and neither was Justin. She refused to look at the last year of her life as anything other than recovery, anything other than rebuilding the parts that Bryce had broken.**

Sitting on her bed, knees to her chest, Jessica checked her phone. No notifications. She sighed and threw it back beside her. She debated texting Justin again, maybe he had missed the first text half an hour ago, but she didn’t want to seem desperate. Even though she was. Desperate to ask him something.

_Are you free? I need to show you something._

There was a tapping noise at her window, and when she looked over she could faintly see someone through the curtains. There was only one person who had the agility and the reputation needed to climb up to her window. She stood up, immediately, and walked over to him. When she pushed back the curtains, he looked through the window at her innocently. He tapped the window one last time and she pulled it open.

“Sorry I didn’t text you back,” he said, “I just needed to see you.” She moved out of the way so he could climb through the window.

“How did you know I was at home?” He shrugged, coming to his feet inside her room.

“I took an extremely lucky guess, and risked getting murdered by your dad.” He closed the window behind him, then turned to her. “I got you something.” She cocked her head to the side.

“What is it?” He took a step closer to her and reached into his back pocket.

“Well, I kinda thought that since I was gone for your birthday this year that I should get you a late gift to like, make up for it, or whatever.” She fought within herself to not smile at the gentle expression on his face.

“You don’t have to do that,” she told him. He shook his head.

“Well, too bad cause I already did.” He held out a large pebble in the palm of his hand and she blinked. “It’s for your collection of pet rocks.” She smiled widely and took it from him.

“You’re fucking adorable,” she leaned up to kiss his cheek. “It’s going with the rest of my collection, and I’m gonna name it after you.” He laughed.

“I had to get it. It was by the beach, and I was walking past and I like saw it, and then I was like that is a sexy pebble. You know who would love that? Jessica.” She nodded.

“I do love it.” She put it on the other side of the room where all her pet rocks were, and wandered back over to hug him. “Thank you,” she said softly, “this was the best present I got for my birthday.” He hugged her tightly, almost laughing.

“Really? It’s just a rock.” She nodded, her head moving against his shoulder.

“Yeah. I wasn’t doing well around my birthday. And my parents had no idea what to get me because I was so bad, and they tried everything. None of my friends came to see me. Alex was still in a coma. It was just… fucked, you know?” He frowned, holding her close.

“Yeah, I know,” he whispered. “I got a free meal on my birthday, which was pretty great. But the rest of the day was pretty awful, or well, normal level awful for someone who was homeless. So, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.” She huffed a laugh.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. Pulling away she looked at him. “Happy birthday,” she said with a small, sad smile. He matched it.

“Happy birthday, Jess. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry…in every way.” She shrugged.

“I know you are.” He looked at her strangely for a second. His whole demeanour changed.

“Shit, Jess… Your hair, it’s different.” She blinked, amazed at how easily he could change the topic.

“Yeah,” she picked up a wave of hair and curled it around her finger. “That’s what I wanted to show you. I’m trying something new.” He smiled, running his hand through her hair. He noticed the rings clipped in one side.

“Fuck,” he said, “you look like such a badass.” She smirked.

“I know. Hot, right?” He smiled.

“So hot.”

**So, what if the roles were reversed? Knowing all the pain and desperation Jessica had experienced after what happened, she often thought she too would have considered never telling him the truth. It was a thought that crossed the mind of someone who knew that pain first hand. And when she thought about that, her heart tore itself in two.**

She wrapped her arms around him, completely unfazed that the two of them were sitting in a police station. Holding him, she felt an ache throughout her whole body.

“I love you,” he whispered. She stared at the floor, her hand mindlessly running along his back, comforting him and maybe herself as well. Jessica never knew what it felt like to not have a home, a safe home, the way Justin knew. She had always sympathised with his abusive home life, she gave him the chance to escape whenever he needed it. She had wanted him to be okay, wanted to take that pain away, she just never knew how. This was different. She knew this pain. She felt it, and she understood now that he felt her pain too. It was mutual, and the pain of knowing that ran deep through her soul.

“I love you.” And she did. It was true. This changed everything, and that’s not to say she didn’t love him before. She did, but this revelation somehow made her love for him all encompassing.

For Jessica, now that she knew this, his story didn’t raise questions in her mind of how he could have lied to her. Rather it begged, how could he not have? He knew that pain, and he wanted to save her from it. It was misguided trauma. Jessica had the chance to live without ever knowing what someone had done to her body. Something she had never consented to, never witnessed and never wanted. Was it a crime for someone who had never healed to want to take away that pain?

When he eventually pulled away, she let him. Sitting back and looking at him as he avoided meeting her eyes. He laughed as he wiped away one last tear, whether out of embarrassment or an apology she wasn’t sure. All she knew was that she loved him. Her heart had never been so heavy with grief for someone else. What she would have given to take away his memories of those experiences.

“Is there anything I can do?” She asked. Looking at his hands in his lap he shook his head, then in a quick thought he looked up.

“Just don’t tell Clay. Or anyone else.” She nodded gently.

“I won’t. I promise.” He bit his lip, looking down again.

“Jess, I don’t want to change anything between us.” She leaned in and put her hands over his.

“It doesn’t.” She wanted to look into his eyes but he refused her. “What you did today, standing up there, was so brave.” Then she smiled. “And if anyone tries to give you shit about it, you just give me their name, and I will fuck them up.” He laughed, nodding along.

“I know you will,” and he smiled. “Thanks.”

**Jessica Davis was not dating the boy who let her get raped. Jessica was dating a boy she loved. One she had loved before and after the night in question. There were so many moments in Jessica’s present where she felt the pressure of knowing she had lost five months of her life to staying silent, to hurting and believing she was permanently broken. If she removed that one night from her life, her whole world changed. What right did Bryce have to do that? To break her, and ruin her friendships, her relationships, her sanity. To take back her narrative, her control over her own life, she needed to reclaim the things he stole. One of those things was the boy she loved.**

Jessica noticed the scars on his arm months ago, but she had never said anything. She didn’t think he would tell her much, and if he did, it would be reluctant at best. That time was over, and he never wanted to talk about it, and least of all with her. It was like a nightmare that happened a lifetime ago, and Jessica could understand that. She understood it too much. But she was done being quiet about her pain, she had told him every dark thought she had ever had, and she felt better for it. She wanted him, in his own time, to feel that way too. Jessica wanted him to know she was supportive of him, of his issues that she could not deny he had many of. He was a troubled kid, and she was a troubled kid, and in that way they understood each other.

Justin lay beside her on the bed, texting Clay that he was with her and couldn’t look after Tyler for the afternoon. Jess watched him type at first, interested in the previous text conversation he’d had with Clay asking if he wanted chocolate from the supermarket, and Clay’s response of ‘I’m literally sitting next to you. Why are you like this?’ which made Jessica smile to herself. She got distracted though, leaning her head on his shoulder and her eyes eventually glanced down at the scars, or scar, in the middle of his arm. It had faded since spring, but she could still see the outline of it. The bruising was gone, the ruptured blood vessels, but there was still a small scar from where he had shot up those few times. She reached out and ran her thumb along it, waiting to see if he would flinch. He didn’t.

“Does it hurt?” She asked him quietly. He glanced down at her fingers, then he looked back at the screen.

“No.” The answer was simple and abrupt. Jess ran her thumb along it again, as if it would make him more inclined to open up. It didn’t.

“Do you ever do it in other places?” She asked this time, hoping he would talk to her.

“Yeah,” he said, but he didn’t elaborate. Frowning, Jess turned her whole body to face him and rested her cheek on her fist looking down at him.

“Why don’t you wanna talk to me?” He glanced up at her from the corner of his eye before shutting his phone off.

“Jess, seriously, you don’t want to talk about this,” he said, “you’ll never look at me the same.” She sighed.

“But I love you,” she said. He blinked, and she could clearly see he wasn’t in the mood.

“You wanna talk? About drugs, and about heroin?” His expression was incredulous. “Then let’s fucking talk, Jess. What do you wanna know?” She touched the scar on his arm again and he pulled away. She frowned as he moved away from her, staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom.

“I don’t _want_ know anything, I just want you to know that you can tell me things.” He rolled his eyes.

“I’ve already told you, haven’t I?” She scowled at him, biting her lip.

“What the hell is wrong with you today?” After that they both lay there in silence. He stared at the ceiling and she watched him, waiting. She noted the way his expression changed in that moment of silence. He calmed down, and so did she. Her hand found its way back to his arm, and he let it, but this time her fingers trailed down to hold his hand. She didn’t bother with the scar, and they were better off for it.

“You wanna know what it was like?” He asked her softly. She nodded, watching his expression harden.

“Yeah.” His eyes were haunted, it was like he was somewhere else.

“It was awful,” he said. “The shit that I saw out there, that I went through. It was unimaginable. The kinds of fucked up things I had to do to survive will fuck with my mind forever. But I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t come back here knowing that I’d ruined your life. Sometimes, and this is so fucked up, it felt like punishment for what I did. But, knowing that I did it all to myself is the worst part.” A tear fell down his cheek. “It was all my fault. I fucked up my whole life, Jess. Do you know how that feels?” She felt empty because she had no answer for him. She didn’t know. He completely and utterly broke her heart because she wanted to take away his pain, but she had no idea how.

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “But what happened to you isn’t your fault.” He didn’t blink.

“No, Jess. It’ll always be my fault.” He started to sit up. “I have to go.” She reached after him.

“Justin, stay.” He pulled away.

“No. I can’t.” He frowned. “I’m sorry, Jess.” Her arm lay across the empty space beside her. He was still there in the room, but he wasn’t hers. He hadn’t been in a long time. He may have seemed okay for a while, but it always came around to rear its ugly head. Guilt. Something that even Jessica’s love couldn’t take away from him. Something Bryce Walker had put there and Justin believed he deserved. Everything was so fucked up, and Jessica had fixed so much of her own trauma, she just wished she could fix his. But nobody could fix that. He was too far gone.

**How can you love him after what he did, people would ask her. And Jessica would never respond. But she knew what she would have said, if she had. She can love him because she knows his heart. She knows that a boy who gets himself arrested to take down her rapist, a boy who withstands the torture of getting clean for her and respects her journey of recovery isn't a boy who would let her get raped, a boy who would lie to protect a rapist. He was someone who blamed himself for not being able to stop what she went through that night, and everything she went through afterwards. When it first happened, Jessica had thought that he would blame it on Bryce, and push her to forgive him. He didn’t. Alternatively, she considered that he would go back to Bryce once the truth came out and contribute to spreading lies of that night being consensual. He didn’t. Instead he offered to go to report her rapist to the police, to the school, or go to Bryce himself and kill him, regardless of the consequences. And Jessica hadn’t believed him in the moment, but when he disappeared for five months after she sent him away, she realised that he really would have killed for her. So yes, she could love him, because to him she was always more than her survivor story, and to her he was more than his traumatised mistakes.**

**Author's Note:**

> oh i would like to be clear that this in no way is an attempt to glorify or romanticise rape or addiction or anything like that, rather the opposite. it's supposed to be tragic. the purpose is to realise that what happened that night ruined their lives, and they would be better off for it. and the two of them rekindling their relationship is tragic bc its one of the many things that night undeservedly ruined. thank u.  
> please leave a review if you liked even one little bit of the story. i worked super hard on this & enjoyed writing it.


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